* for weeping may endureth the night …

Posted on January 15th, 2009 by melinda in my not so normal family

mama-on-boat1

I am in a bit of a downer mood tonight, I should probably apologize before hand for raining on any parade that may be marching thru my little blog tonight. Feel free to skip right on past this post and scroll down to something humorous, my feelings won’t be hurt, I promise.

I realize you didn’t ask but I just feel like sharing anyway, that is the glory of having my own blog. I am sad because today, I miss my mama. Not because today held any signifigance in her life but because today I had to be a grown up and do something I had purposely been avoiding. Today her headstone arrived at the memorial place. And since I suppose it is appropriate to have something on it, I had to send them the words to carve on it. Yes, I realize I have had over 2 years to ponder those words, yes I realize that words usually come very easily to me but not this time. So here in lies my problem … how do I or my family possibly choose what to say? What if I change my mind tomorrow or we forget to write something that was really important? How will strangers who never knew her read it a 100 years from now and know what kind of person she was from the words we choose? What if it goes against my normal grain of just not thinking about how much I truly truly miss her because it hurts my heart. Avoidance is a much easier option, however it would appear that option is up and now it has to be done. I realize I am not the first nor will I be the last person to ever find themselves in this position. I wish I found some comfort in the fact that there will now be a memorial there but I simply don’t. I don’t go to her grave, I never think about her being there. Not because I want to be disrespectful but because I want to remember her in places that brought her happiness. I know why I have purposely not wanted to pick a memeorial stone or choose words to write on it, it’s because in my abstract little mind, it will be the last thing I will do for her here on this earth and when it’s done there will be nothing left for me to do for her, at least not in a phycial sense and that makes me sad. I am no more ready to say goodbye today than I was 2 years ago. I guess my only saving grace in all of it is this, if you believe as I do that there is life beyond this life, then I did not really need to say goodbye to her that day or today … I can just simply say I’ll see you in a little bit mom.

me.

5 Comments on “* for weeping may endureth the night …”

  1. chrisi

    nana was a wonderful person, words could not describe the amount of people she touched during her life. one of the teachers from bethlehem sent this quote in a card after nana passed away. she said she thought it described nana perfectly and i would have to agree. i keep it on my bulletin board.
    “do all the good you can,
    by all the means you can,
    in all the ways you can,
    at all the times you can,
    to all the people you can,
    as long as you ever can.”
    -john wesley

  2. Cathy

    Praying for you, I am sure what ever you decide on will come from the love you have for her and it will be just right. No it will not be easy and I am sorry you are going through this. We all love you and will be thinking of you. Love Cat

  3. Jodie

    Melinda, I will pray the “words” will come to you, as easily as the love everyone has for your Mom. She was an amazing woman who’s life had such meaning. Everyone she met felt the love she had to give. To me, that it the greatest gift you can give someone. Awesome memmories of someone you loved and loved you even more.They say a Mother’s love is beyond words. When I think of Joy, I remember the picture Chrisi sent to me of the wall the school painted im memory of Joy. Maybe if you go and look at it, the words will come for you.The words will come at the right momment.
    Jodie

  4. Amy Barnes

    I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and praying for you! I believe the words will come to you when the time is right. Your mother was such a inspiration to me and to everyone she met. She will never be forgotten. I LOVE YOU!!

  5. Marjorie Markham

    My dear sweet Melinda. I know oh so well how hard this must be. The words will come. One of my best memories of Joy was the day I found out my dad was in a coma in Fla and there was nothing I could do. She sat next to me at the Crawdads Game that Sunday and helped me get through the fact I could not be down there with him. She also helped me so much in my divorce and in life in general. I miss having my NC sister. I too have days here and there where I miss my mother terribly. I think of you guys often and say a little prayer. Joy was awesome.

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