* pass me a brown bag, I cannot breathe …

Posted on May 30th, 2009 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.

I just want to inform all of you that last nights post was about to be the last post you ever had to endure anxiously read from me. Today, I nearly had heart failure. I was almost caput. Outta here. My near demise had nothing to do with the stress and tears of the past week, it had nothing to do with anything except that I am terrible at keeping up with things. Not just things … but important things. Once Cathy and I had to drive to Raleigh in order to pick up Chrisi’s birth certificate (she’s partly adopted, or badopted as Anna use to say) so her birth certificate resides at Vital Records instead of the regular Register of Deed’s Office. Yes, my life really is complicated. Yes, Jerry Springer would probably shake his head at me somedays, but at least I typically have better luck than Earpie. I just got completely off track, didn’t I? (I am invisioning Martin clapping his hands together saying “can we please just get back on track”, that is yet another post all of it’s own) Anyway, Chrisi was going on a cruise and had to have a certified birth certificate, long story short … do not role your eyes, I saw you rolling your eyes! … I ordered it, received it and lost it all in a matter of days, thus we had to drive to Raleigh or she couldn’t get on a boat. I weighed the choices A. drive B. tell my then 12 year old she is not going to the Bahama’s cause her mother is an idiot. We drove to Raleigh. You do realize that has absolutely nothing to do with why I nearly fell out today … don’t you?

Today I had to go grocery shopping. I am a lover of food, I am not a lover of buying the food. When I get rich, I am going to hire a personal shopper. I will most likely be doing my own shopping for the rest of my life. Today, I decided to try a different grocery store other than my usual Walmart super center or local Lowes Food Store. Mostly because I am poor and need to try not to spend as much money. So I drive to a different town, 25 minutes away and prance myself, with quarter in hand for my buggy, into Aldi’s. I remembered to take my bags with me … I remembered my list. I shopped for a couple of hours. Not because I bought that much, but because I had no clue where anything was. If it were up to me, I would do my grocery shopping at the Exxon gas station, my budget will just not allow such things. I fill my buggy to the brim. I might also mention that Aldi apparantly does not have the same funky air as Walmart, I did not have one bathroom incident the entire time I was there. I get to the checkout where a very cute young girl rang my 3 gazillion items up one by one and put them back in another buggy unbagged. I was ok with that part, I had saved alot of money, so I was good. The 34 people behind me in line were not so cheery but I was good. Cute check out girl gives me the total and I open my wallet to get my debit card and low and behold it’s not there! Y’all I am not playing, I nearly died right there in the check out line. A panic attack was on the horizon. I saw stars and shapes and black holes flash before my eyes. Any of the other 30 days of the month would have been bad enough but I just got paid yesterday for the entire month. Someone might actually have used it without the cashier laughing at them as the machine flashed denied in big letters and announced it over the intercom system for all shoppers to hear … “melindas debit card was just denied at checkout #4, let’s all laugh in unison”. I really did have money in there this time and the card was gone. I slung every single item in my pocket book onto the register and still couldn’t find it. Cute girl was begining to get impatient … they opened another line for the people behind me to use and everyone in the entire store was whispering to themselves outloud that I was insane. Ok, not really, I don’t think but it sure felt like it. I kindly explained my dilema to Cute checkout girl and she kindly told me they would hold my groceries hostage until I went home and found my card. Like I thought they may just say “oh go on and take them home, we understand your icecream is melting, you can just run the money by later”. In a daze, I made my way to my car, got in and started to drive home. I think I tried, convicted and hung every Aldi shopper in the store for stealing my debit card. I smoked 14 cigarettes in 2.7 miles. (please do not point out that if I would stop smoking I could save money … this is just not the week to point that out … maybe next week mmmkay?) Finally, I calmed myself down enough to think logically. What I thought was I needed about 10 valium but that was not an option, so I decided to look in my pocket book just once more. I open it up … move my wallet 2 centimeters and right there it lays, pretty as you please. I think it was laughing at me. Can a debit card laugh? I said a quick thank you prayer to God for not letting me die, have a seizure in public or pee my pants in public. I turned the car around and went back to Aldi’s to free my groceries from captivity. I seriously considered not going back but the thought of having to go to another grocery store and reshop was worse than the thought of going back to get what I’d already semi purchased. Cute check out girl appeared to be surprised by my triumphant return. I think she was just glad she didn’t have to put all that stuff back where it belonged. I paid. I came home. I am never going grocery shopping again … ever. After this food is gone we will be eating cheese crackers and slim jims I purchase at the Exxon.


11 Comments on “* pass me a brown bag, I cannot breathe …”

  1. Bobbi

    Been there, done that. I can sympathize with you. Glad you found your card. I too panic when I have those little episodes in life.See you at the church house!

  2. Jodie

    I know exactly how you feel.I did the same thing. I am glad you found it!

  3. Thad Bentley

    Your cheese moved to Exxon?

  4. melinda

    apparantly my cheese did move to the Exxon. At least I’ve located it, the week is looking better by the day. It will be even better when you, brad and my beautiful niece get to our home for a long visit. I really think y’all should just come on now. today works well for me. you can be here before bedtime if you leave now! I love you and in all seriousness, I always appreciate your advice, logic and willingness to listen to me whine for a whole two seconds before you tell me to move along. ps: what would you like me to fix y’all for dinner?

  5. robin foster

    WOW! never a dull moment with you. I had a second to catch up on your life and laugh along the way….miss you!Coming home JUNE 27TH. Hope to see you. XXOO robin

  6. melinda

    Robin, you have no earthly idea how great it is to hear from you! what a wonderful surprise! I miss you! We will be camping but only in Lenoir, so I won’t be far. I cannot wait to see you and the girls, and Patrick too if he’s coming along. Love you!

  7. Earpie

    Okay I was loving the post and the other posts that I was behind on reading until low and behold you had to go and mention me. Not only did you mention me but it makes it sound as if I am always in a crisis of some sort. Oh well I guess thats true so theres not much I can say!

  8. melinda

    I think crisis mode may be an understatement earpie. at least I didn’t put you slap at the top of my “most unethical friends list” I only forgive you for that because you fell completely under the boat and it would be wrong of me to be angry at an insane person for any length of time. Besides, what would I ever do without you in my life to make me smile? love you!

  9. Earpie

    Okay you made me laugh and I haven’t laughed much in a few weeks so its okay that you said I was crazy in your post. Thats pretty much true anyway!

  10. melinda

    maybe I should clarify that I mean earpie is crazy in a sweet, good, funny sort of way. i cannot however believe she laughed at me misplacing my debit card. at least it didn’t get highjacked & end up taking some stranger in a 10000 limo to some strip club in ny for christmas on my dime! you will have to share that story with all of our blog friends one day.

  11. Katrina

    Ok what I want to know is did you like Aldis and did you save enough to make all this worth your while? We used to shop there alot at the one in Hickory and it just got so nasty in there. They say the one is Statesville and Lenoir is really clean and nice.

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