* road rangers …

Posted on December 5th, 2009 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.

Just in case any of you plan to travel to Tennessee in the next millennium, I thought I would share our strategically planned route with you.  You know, in case you feel the need to see the entire state of TN during your journey.  I am patiently waiting on my phone call job offer from Garmin or Tom Tom … I expect they will be calling any day now. 

Here is the plan we went with. 


#1. do not for any reason bring along the Tom Tom from Richard’s truck. 

#2. do not bring a map. 

#3.  do not print out mapquest directions. 

#4.  drive two seperate vehicles so dad and I can smoke Janie can come along. 

#5. ignore your younger daughter when she calls to tell you that we just missed the detour sign. 

#6.  drive 40 miles in the wrong direction looking for the detour sign you missed 40 miles back. 

#7.  assure your daddy that you have not missed the detour sign while he proclaims it must be just over the next hill.

#8.  realize you have screwed up and immediately call your brother. 

#9.  take yet another wrong exit, try very hard to navigate directions via cell phone with your brother who is on the other side of the mountain many hours away. 

#10.  give up, turn around and drive 40 miles back to the correct exit to discover you still have no clue where you are going.

#11.  stop at a random walmart to use the facilities, try to figure out a plan, practice your non cussing skills and generally walk off some stress.

#12.  call Thad again, get new directions sent via text.  Ignore new directions and follow detour signs into the wild blue yonder.

#13.  drive 372 miles, around the entire mid east portion of the United States.  Pass a sign that says “Boone: 65 miles” after 4 hours of driving.  For anyone who may not know … Boone is an hour from our house on a bad day.  Seriously consider taking that 65 mile trip to Boone and back down the mountain home quietly to yourself.

#14.  discover that the detour you are on is crappy.

#15.  arrrive at your brother & Brad’s house in the wee hours of the night to discover that Emma Joy is asleep, Brad is in bed and Thad is ready for bed.  Vow to your brother that you will not be back for Christmas or ever. 

We decided to be more intelligent on our journey home.  Two GPS’ were purchased and one placed in each vehicle.  I learned that I am a bit scared of the GPS.  I knew I didn’t like them cause they talk more than me but, seriously, the thing is a bit temperamental.  Apparently, no one told the GPS that we would be taking a detour off of interstate 40 at some point or that we speak english not spanish.  We didn’t miss the detour exit this time … however, we did confuse the GPS.  The GPS, which by this time my dad was referring to as “the little fella”, is calm at first.  Little fella says “turn around, you missed your road”.  That was cool for about 3 minutes.  Then, little fella starts to get a bit of an attitude and in a more firm voice says “you need to turn around right now”.  I was like whaaa?  That lasted about 2.1 miles.  And then, little fella gets angry.  Little fella is screaming “turn around you stupid idiots, you are fixin to drive 372 miles in the wrong direction … TURN. AROUND. NOW!”  Freaked me out!  Ok, fine … it was really more technical than that but I went with my version of events, mmkayy?  Little fella kept saying stuff like “you are weenty one miles in the wong diretchion”  Really? Weenty one miles?  Shut up.  SHUT. UP! 

Finally, little fella recalculatedand got on the same page as us.  I have decided I shall purchase myself a map.  I real map, that doesn’t talk, complain, yell or talk smack to me when I may be wost weenty one miles in the wong direction. 

Y’all want to guess whether or not I will be going back to Tennessee for Christmas?


6 Comments on “* road rangers …”

  1. chrisi

    hahahaha. i didn’t know that bapa called the gps “little man”. that’s hilarious. and why did thad not set your gps to go 321? you have to work with the gps, according to anna. i learned that the first day.

    • melinda

      little fella … not little man and yes, bapa referring to the GPS as little fella is very funny. why didn’t we have Thad pre program ours? cause we aren’t very smart, that’s why. and if i have to “work” with the GPS what in the world is the point in having a GPS to begin with? duh.

  2. Courtney

    Awww. I’m sorry your journey to Tennessee was about 2000 times longer than it should be, but this was a quite hilarious version of events. My GPS is named Gidgit the Garmin and she is temperamental at times too: when you’re not on the road she believes you should be, her favorite term is “recalculating” and she repeats it a million times it seems.

    I love you! And I think you may cave and go back to Tennessee for Christmas. :)

  3. Emmy

    too funny…..you know you will go back for Christmas to see that sweet baby!

  4. Jodie

    You will go back to TN in a couple weeks, I have no doubt…..and once you get there…. you will have the best time!! I don’t think I will ever purchase “the little filla” or “gidgit”. I know several people who have tried using a GPS to “find” our house…and it tells you to go on a road that does not and probably never will “exist”. It tells you to go through a “corn field”. Although it would be a simple way of getting to our house….I think you would bottom out your car a time or two in the process..

  5. Marjorie Markham

    If you need me to give you written directions through the maze of roads, I can. Maybe we should just follow one another to TN as I will be headed that exact same direction on the 24th. My kids may be going on the 22nd. I didn’t think I would do it again after the last rock slide that I had to detour through, but alas, I did and will again. Happy Trails to you.

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