* my current condition(er) …

Posted on February 2nd, 2010 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.


Are you freakin’ kidding me?  I am such an idiot.  (if you just said “well no crap” quietly to yourself, we can no longer be friends) ok, fine, I don’t have many friends so maybe I shouldn’t be overly selective.  Anyway, I’m displeased at the moment.  Do you ever have those duh huh moments when throwing something just seems like the appropriate thing to do?  No? Well, you aren’t normal then.  If you are normal, you will understand my current aggravation. 

The other night, during our mini blizzard, I had to grocery shop.  We’ve already discussed it, I know, but today I discovered an error in the grocery shopping conundrum, and I am blaming it squarely on all 3,644 people who were at Walmat, interrupting my grocery shopping.  And one of them needs to fix it.  I don’t care which one, but one of um.  I get ready to go take a shower a few minutes ago (no, I am not blogging naked, I put my pajamas on just in case my special blog powers of being able to see you work both ways)  I grab the new 95 oz. jug of shampoo I bought Friday night and realize to my astonishment and dismay that it is actually conditioner, not shampoo.  I am now fresh out of shampoo, thank you very much.  I have, at some point in the past year or so, used up every itty bitty bottle of shampoo that I helped myself to at whatever hotel I may have been frequenting, there is no body wash to be found and I am not about to use my sandpaper foot scrub to wash my hair.  Not to mention the fact that my husband is going to be a very unhappy camper.  Speaking of Richard and camping, he once drove home at like midnight from the campground because we were out of shampoo in the camper, that is no lie.  I was like, stupid honey, drive home, I’m going to bed.  He did.  I did.  End of story.  Well, end of that story anyway, not this one.  I could redress, drive myself to the store and buy some shampoo but that would require putting on a bra entirely too much effort on my part.  It’s just not gonna happen.  I would not be in this mess if those other people had just stayed at home where they belonged and not been all up in my space at Walmart.  I seriously think we should all have to make appointments to enter Walmart, there should be a schedule … like you call ahead and they say “why yes ms. null, we can work you in around 5:30, there will be a maximum of six other shoppers in the store with you during your allotted 45 minutes of scheduled shopping time. Thank you for shopping Walmart, please come again” … see, how easy would that be.  All you other people can schedule your time to shop at like 4 am or whatever time may be available that doesn’t interfere with my time.  I promise, I won’t intrude or try to double book during your personal shopping time.  And … if by some rare, unfortunate, unforeseen occasion, someone happens to infringe upon your personal shopping time, you can legally, without going to jail, run them over with your buggy.  And while I’m at it … I want my very own personal check out line too.  Nobody else can get in my line in front of me.  I don’t care if you aren’t buying anything but 3 cans of potted meat … get out of my line!  or, I can fairly and squarely run you over with my buggy.  And, last but not least, because we all know of my special situation concerning Walmart, no one else can use the bathroom during my alotted shopping time either.  That is more for them than me, although I don’t like the idea of not having anyone else around to blame for that foul odor coming from the restroom …. I might have to rethink that last one.  But the others, the others stay. 

Now, I am going to find some dish detergent to wash my hair with.  I should be smelling lemony fresh in no time, and then, I have to hurry up and dry my hair before Richard gets here so when he gets in the shower tonight and realizes there isn’t any shampoo I can pretend like I have no clue what he is talking about. 


7 Comments on “* my current condition(er) …”

  1. cathy

    i will take 9:00pm for my time slot…….and when Richard realizes there is no shampoo you are in big trouble, remember i was at the campground that night i know how he is going to react, lord help you, as an after thought please for your sake go on and get shampoo it will be easier.

    • melinda

      i recall vividly that you were at the campground that night … i also recall you had shampoo and my husband could’ve walked the 25 ft to your camper to get some but noooo. i say if he wanted to drive home it’s fine with me, he’s a big boy, plus i had the whole bed to myself … i’m sending him to your house tonight if he decides to run away, maybe he can get a mullet too! now, get in the kitchen and cook me a hamburger woman!

  2. Miranda

    All I can say is, Oh honey ! I totally agree about the appointment only WalMart thing. Everytime I go in there, I leave in a state of aggressive confusion. The thing that really gets me is people who park their buggy in a way that blocks the entire isle ( no possible way to get by unless they move ) and they see you coming down the isle ( i mean they look you right in the face) but they refuse to move unless you say excuse me. And then they make you say excuse me twice before they move and give you the evil eye after moving their buggy exactly 1/4 of an inch. So, rude ! Anyway, good luck with your lemon fresh hair and to quote Steel Magnolias “I don’t know how your insides are doing honey but your hair is just holding up beautifully!”

  3. purejoy

    you could go all pioneer woman and go poo-free. she’s been at it for over a year and SWEARS by it (not at it, mind you)

    • chrisi

      how does she go shampoo free?? what does she wash her hair with?!

  4. Marjorie Markham

    Why not just sneak over to your dads and raid his house for some shampoo! Very aggrevating to say the least but I bet you smell wonderful!

  5. Amanda Lail

    I hate running out of shampoo. I can not use regular shampoo because of the sulfates. I have to buy special kind without the sulfates and its not cheap!! I have had to use lemon juice and baking soda before (works good too, gets all the build up out of your hair, just a thought if you ever run out again). On the other hand I am dying to know how good the rosemary mint conditioner is?

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