* how to ruin a perfectly good bath …

Posted on February 8th, 2010 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.

A story from back in the day … well, not that far back, but a few years back anyway. 

Once upon a time … the night began like lots of nights in my life.  We had gone to visit Richard’s parents for no particular reason, the girls were much younger when this misadventure took place and of course both still lived at home.  It’s no secret that I smoke (do not bother to tell me how unhealthy this is, I already know) anyway, I smoked then too.  However, I did not smoke around my children.  I would love to tell you that I didn’t because I was a very responsible mother and didn’t want my children to inhale second hand smoke, which is true to some extent, but if I’m being really honest, I would have to tell you that I didn’t smoke around them cause I didn’t want them to tell my mama on me.  Go ahead, laugh … it’s fine, did you ever meet my mama?  She was mean opinionated when it came to smoking.  Although my dad has smoked since he was like 3 and it never stopped her from loving on him.  I’m getting off track. 

Anyway, we’d been visiting with my now in-laws (they weren’t my in-laws then cause Richard and I weren’t married yet, we were just piling up , that’s a whole other story, I don’t recommend piling up).  The girls were with us, thus I had not smoked a cigarette in like 3 hours, which is a really long time if you are me.  In fact, I was out, so we stopped at the store on the way home to buy some.  I get home with my fresh new pack of smokes, I get the girls all tucked away in bed and decide it’s time for a hot bubble bath and a nice long smoke. 

I head to the bathroom in my double wide treller, we got one of them there fancy garden tubs, which is handy since my behind requires ample room in which to soak.  We also have another bathroom, commonly referred to as “the girls bathroom”.  They don’t have a fancy garden tub, just a regular ole skinny people tub.  While my bath water is running (as a side note here: all bath water should be hot, no cold water at all & it should be plum full before I get in it), I decide to put some laundry in to wash.  That, my friends, was a fatal error on my part.  While I am busy getting the wash in the machine, I leave my bathroom unattended.  Bad bad idea.  About 10 minutes later, I notice Richard is nowhere to be found.  This is not an unusual occurrence as he disappears for periods of time on a regular basis, but I did find it odd that he hadn’t said he was going out side. All the while I am fiddling around waiting on the tub to fill up, I still haven’t lit a cigarette, I was practicing my patience.  My internal bath alarm sounded and I headed to the bathroom, stripping clothes off as I went.  (please try to avoid that visual).  I grab my sundrop, the ashtray, my brand spankin’ new pack of cigarettes that I had just opened … I am on my way to relaxation.  And then it happened!  dum dum dum dum!

I smell him first.  I thought, surely he didn’t.  No. he. did. not!  He did.  I round the corner and to my horror, there he sat … pooping.  In my bathroom, right beside my fresh, scalding hot, bubbling bath water.  If we had been married, the word divorce would have sprung from my lips in a flash.  Instead, well I won’t say what I said instead, but it wasn’t very nice.  I was so angry!  I whirled my naked self around to give him the what for and bad lead to worse.  My foot got caught in my bathroom rug, the one right in front of my garden tub, I fell, head first straight in to my bath water.  There I was, my head 2 feet deep in bubbles, gurgling, trying not to drown … my fresh water, now full of ashes from the ashtray, my new pack of cigarettes floating around like a rubber duckie and my glass of sundrop at the bottom of the tub.  It was quite the sight to see.  Or at least Richard thought it was quite the sight to see.  He laughed so loud our neighbors probably heard him.  He was no help at all.  He kept right on with his business like I wasn’t nearly drowning in our tub.   I had to give myself CPR and then fish each little tiny cigarette out of the tub and dry them in the microwave.  Now that I think about it … I’m still mad at him.

I think I shall go take a hot bubble bath and stew on it for a bit. 

disclaimer: my husband has no idea i told you this story … there is no reason to tell him. it can be our little secret!


3 Comments on “* how to ruin a perfectly good bath …”

  1. Marjorie Markham

    Now that was funny!

  2. Judy

    You have got to be the funniest person I know. You have just made my day start great. Thanks Melinda.

  3. Anita

    Melinda, you are the woman, lol i love reading your post…. you make my day…

More News