* a little truth …

Posted on October 2nd, 2010 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.

Ding … it’s midnight on Saturday and I’m wide awake.  Well actually, I just took my lunesta so that won’t be the case for long.  Maybe I should just type until my writing either makes no sense at all or I cannot see that the words are making no sense at all.  That should be entertaining.

I keep coming here and starting post that I never finish because I get frustrated with myself before I get to the end of writing and then I just say and I quote “screw it” and sign on off of here, feeling defeated for not posting something or anything at this point. 

The truth is, I seriously think (because I self diagnose a lot) that I have been suffering from some sort of mild depression as of late.  If i am being honest, it probably started this summer when some unsettling things began occurring that messed up the normal which I find myself to be cozy with.  First of all,  our office unexpectedly lost another employee and we cannot replace her, it’s not in the budget.  It’s a election year, which probably means very little to the average human, but dictates my life in a major way.  On top of all of that … Anna and I had a huge disagreement, that has since that time worked itself out and all is well.  Shortly after that was the 4th anniversary of my mom’s death and amongst all of that, Richard and I were trying to make some very difficult decisions about his job situation or lack there of and those decisions would be changing our lives in major way.  Some good ways, some very unsure, scary ways and some down right bad ways.  But God was faithful and His direction for our decision seemed very clear in many ways. 

And now that I have approached The God situation in my life, I have to be honest and admit, I haven’t felt nestled in the strong arm of my savior nearly as much during the difficult last few months.  And it certainly isn’t because God has moved.  I am ashamed to say, that I often get far too wrapped up in the “melinda” of my life and forget that the “melinda” really has nothing at all to do with what God has planned for my life.  It’s me who moves or drifts away, being bombarded and surrounded with so many things swimming around in this pool I call my life that I tend to forget the one most important part of it all … the part when I stop trying to dog paddle, dive, swim and back stroke myself to resolution, what I forget to remember is to just slowly come up for air … I forget that He, the one who created this entire universe, is there waiting to blow that sweet redeeming air of life right back in to my spirit, if I can only remember to stop struggling against the current long enough to allow myself to float to the top and simply breath Him in.  It’s never that I’ve forgotten completely that my God is there, I talk to Him often, but far more about the me me me of things and far less about how incredibly blessed, grateful and filled to the rim with His goodness.  I forget that He is there be praised even in the worst of storms (I love that song btw) and then I find myself running, and I do mean running, back to those arms as quickly as I can get there.  Some days, I hit a snag on my way back, like a bad attitude, a cuss word here or there, laziness or selfish pride … but I slow my pace, evaluate and continue on that journey to get back to that feeling of complete submission in His grace. 

I find it so much easier to just tell you all about the wonderfully great life I have and how fun and magnificent it all is.  And about 90 % of the time, that’s completely accurate, but the last few months have been a definite struggle for me.  When I think of it now, it all seems so ridiculous, because just as we have been promised in Jeremiah … He knows the plans He has for us and His plan is to never harm us or forsake us, and that my friends, I believe just as much as I believe the sun will come up tomorrow.

Our lives, even though a bit different for the moment, are richly blessed.  I think I’ve almost completed my little self pity party and  hopefully this blog will be rocking away like normal soon enough, with a few changes thrown in for fun.  I do want you to know, that I sincerely care for each of you who take time to read, who worry about me when I don’t post and laugh with me when I do.  I also hope if you ever find yourself in a place that doesn’t seem to be where you need to be, that you will remember to stop long enough to breath in that beautiful sweet love of Christ and feel renewed again in Him.

goodnight my sweet friends, me and my lunesta are going to cuddle up with that man I adore who happens to be home for a long weekend.

me.

One Comment on “* a little truth …”

  1. Courtney Sloane

    Hey! I love you, man. :)
    And I’ve missed your blog posts!

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