* woman nearly killed by tiny invading hot dog …

Posted on March 1st, 2011 by melinda in Another day in the life of me.

So, the other night, like one night last week sometime, I don’t remember which night … Monday maybe?  Anna decides to cook dinner for me and several guest.  I found this to be an excellent idea mostly because it meant I wouldn’t be cooking.  Although, I must confess … Richard was out of town working, so I wasn’t really going to cook anyway, that is unless you count Apple Jacks, followed by little chocolate donuts and popcorn as cooking dinner.  What? y’all don’t have that at your house for dinner? 

Anyway, so she fixes all this nice tasty food and I offer to help.  By offering to help I mean I put the pan of fake parker house rolls in the oven to bake.  I wasn’t trying to be all in the way or anything.  (nor was I trying to exert too much energy).  So I plop down in my nasty chair and wait the specified 20 minutes until the oven timer dings and I spring in to action to retrieve my contribution to the nights meal.  Ok, that’s I lie, I didn’t spring in to anything but it sounded good so I went with it.  I grab a pot holder, open the oven and pull those bad buttery boys right on out.  As I was fixin’ to dump them in the bread basket something odd caught my eye.  I looked and then I looked again.  My heart nearly stopped.  Right there, smack in the middle of my fake yeast rolls was a brown hot dog looking object.  What in the holy crap was that?  How did a little bitty hot dog get in my yeast roll?  And then it struck me (insert dum dum dum dum noise) it must be a partial cut off finger, that was the only logical explanation I could come up with.  So I did the only logical thing I knew to do … I screamed and threw the pan of rolls at Anna.

I want to point out two things about the above paragraph that should bother me:

#1.  why would it have been more logical to me that there would be a cut off finger in my yeast rolls than the chance that there was a tiny hot dog in my dinner rolls?

#2. why would I ever think Anna would want a hot pan of cut off finger laden yeast rolls thrown in her general direction?  i’m sure throwing a hot pan at your child is against some parenting rule. 

Anna screamed.  I’m not certain if it was the hot pan being hurled at her or the fact that her mother had abruptly morphed in to a screaming ninnie, loudly proclaiming that there was a cut off finger in the yeast rolls.  I mean, I guess it could’ve been both but who really knows or cares.  Either way, she screamed like a nursery school girl about to be kissed on the playground.  At that precise moment, as if it had been choreographedby some galatic force, we both lit in to some sort of ancient tribal dance around the pan of rolls.  Being the good mother that I am … I declared it was her daughterly duty to look in the roll.  She told me to bite her.  After much ado, we pinky promised to look together. We pick the rolls up, peek inside and discover that there in the center of our perfectly good yeast roll is, not a sliced of finger, but a cocktail wiener.  A COCKTAIL WIENER!!!! Are you freaking kidding me?  I almost think I would have preferred the cut off finger option.  Why, just why on earth was there a rogue cocktail wiennie in my yeast roll?  That is not normal, in fact, it’s just wrong.  In my mind I am wondering what idiot at the yeast roll factory thought it would be funny to put a random cocktail wiennie in some rolls and send um on out to unsuspecting customers like myself.  And then I laughed, cause if I worked at the yeast roll factory, I’d think that was funny as crap.  But then I get to looking and low and behold every single yeast roll has a its very own little cocktail wiennie stuffed safely inside.  Was this some sort of sick “pig in the blanket” prank?  Was there an over abundance of cocktail wiennies that desperately needed to be used?  A week later I am still not sure why the cocktail wienners were in there or if they were even suppose to be there, but I don’t like it one tiny bit, it’s just unnatural.  I am fairly certain I will not be purchasing any fake parker house rolls any time soon!

And don’t let it be said that you were not sufficiently warned of the possibility of a disastrous yeast roll encounter at your house, be afraid … be very afraid!



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