I’d do it all over again …

Happy Anniversary Richard, I love you.

me.

Hello weekend, I am so glad to see you.  It’s been yet another long, busy and hectic week (with a vacation day squeezed in there) and I am very happy to be in my big nasty chair, in my pajamas, in my cozy house, with that guy I love home for a long weekend.  I am super excited that he gets to be home for 3 whole nights instead of 2 this weekend. 

And speaking of him being home … we went on a date tonight.  We were extremely adventerous!  We went to Walmart.  BUT … not our Walmart, a different Walmart.  Yeah, we are risk takers like that … be jealous.  I am happy to report that this particular Walmart does not seem to possess the same funky air as most Walmarts.  (if that makes no sense to you, please click on the related post on the lower right hand side bar, if it does make sense to you without clicking elsewhere … well, I’m not sure what that says about our relationship except that I probably provide TMI some days) Either way, we had a nice time out. 

I don’t know how many of you are getting to the stage in life when your children are now adults and have their own lives that don’t always involve you, but I must say, after a long struggle with empty nest syndrome, I am actually begining to enjoy this phase of my life.  I will be the first to admit that letting my littles become bigs has not been an easy process for me.  I nearly had to be committed when Chrisi left home (that is not an exageration by any means) and I have basically refused to ever let Anna move out, although she is seldom here, especially on the weekends. 

I have been a parent for the entirity of my adult years.  I never planned to become a mother at 19 and certainly wouldn’t recommend it, but I truly cannot imagine my life any different.  I had a child before I was married, so up until recently, I had no idea what married people without children even did.  It actually didn’t seem overly appealing to me, probably because I very much enjoy being a mom, but now … well now, I am learning to enjoy this new stage.  Richard and I have settled in to a nice routine of figuring out our identities apart from just being parents.  Don’t get me wrong, we still enjoy time spent with the girls and their friends, but we also enjoy things like date nights to Walmart without screaming ninnies children.  I am finding that the quietness in the house doesn’t feel so lonely, that I can actually finish a chapter in a book without having to make a snack or wipe a butt or snotty nose, and I sort of like it.  I really like not being awake watching cartoons at 6 am on Saturday morning.  I really like not having a knock down drag out getting ready for church on Sunday mornings and I really really like not having to keep up with those god forsaken planners that teachers send home every single night of the dad gum week.  (please note that my oldest daughter will have a stroke when she reads that).

I hope you’ll stick around to read how this new phase works itself out.  What new adventures we may find ourselves in, and truthfully, they probably won’t get a whole lot more exciting than Walmart date nights, that’s just how we roll, but it will be a progressive process and it may get interesting, who knows … we may get really brave and go to the campground with out the kids or something really out landish like that. 

If any of you who read our blog have grown children, I would love to know how you’ve adjusted to that and how your life may be different now.  Leave me a comment and let me know. 

ps: that’s not a very recent picture of me and the man of the house, it’s just an attempt on my part to remember how much I like his hair cut short as opposed to the current caveman style … but I do suppose caveman beats mullett!

me.

I am no longer married to a caveman.  No more 1970′s adult film star.  No more Grizzly Adams.  No more mullett threats  encouragement from mr. preacher man.  Richard surprised me today, out of the blue, and got his hair cut and shaved.  I think I’m in love.  Well, I was in love before, now I just like looking at him a whole lot better.  Excuse me a second while I scroll back up and look at the picture one more time.  I’m a teenie weenie bit afraid it may be just a dream, you know, one of those good dreams you wake up in the middle of and then try to make yourself go back to sleep and start where you left off.  I think I’ll do my happy dance. 

I only see one problem with the whole entire cutting of the hair … what on earth will I complain about now? 

me.

It occurred to me while pursuing down the right side bar of our blog that I haven’t updated this particular category in a while or any other category for that matter.  I am happy to report that I am still happily married.  I’ll have to ask Richard and get back with y’all on his opinion concerning the happy part, but he is still married too. 

In fact, we are getting ready to celebrate our anniversary  later on this week.  I think we will have been married 7 years this year.  I’ll have to check with Cathy on that and get back to you about that too, but I am pretty sure it’s been 7 years. 

While were on the subject of my wedding day, I think I’ll just take a minute and tell you all about it, mostly because a minute is about all it will take.  Let’s start with our engagement … we were engaged approximately 18 hours.  Yes, hours.  Not months, years or days … hours.  To clarify that a bit, we had dated for many years prior to our engagement, lived together for a good part of those years (which again, I do not under any circumstances recommend) and the poof out of the blue he popped the question on a Thursday night out of the blue.  Actually, he and the girls popped the question.  He asked them first, then they all 3 asked me to get hitched up and be a real family.  Plus my former boss took great pleasure in reminding me daily, sometimes hourly, that I needed to stop piling up and make an honest woman out of myself.  Which was, in my opinion, his nice way of saying “stop living like a ho and get married or I’m gonna have to fire your big butt”  I really needed my job.  Homeless is not the way to go in my estimation.  So, Richard and the girls ask me to get married, after I regained consciousness,  I asked when they would like to make this whole marriage thing happen and Richard says and I quote “tomorrow after work will work fine, I think Cathy’s working this week, she can do it”.  I was like what the crap?  You want me to marry you, tomorrow, at the courthouse, which also happens to be my place of employment, by the magistrate who also happens to be my bff?  He looked at me as if this may have been an unusual response to his whole proposal thing and simply said “ya, that works”.  I said umkay, if it works for you I guess it works for me.  The bigger obstacle was this … we didn’t tell another soul, other than Cathy, because I did want to make sure she could do the wedding ceremony, which as it turned out, she could.  She’s so handy.  We call Richard’s parents and ask them to meet us at my work to go out to dinner for his dad’s birthday, which is the day prior to our anniversary.  This didn’t seem odd to them at the time, of course they also didn’t know that their future daughter in law was ensnaring them in a trap either.  They are much more specific and hesitant about making plans with us now days.  You would think they might have gotten over that in 7 or so years, but nope, they still want specific details before they agree to come anywhere we invite them.  I have to laugh when I think about my mother in laws reaction.  She was a bit miffed.  Turns out, she doesn’t like crowds or surprises at all.  I found this out first hand.  My mom was a little confused, but it did explain why the girls made her stop at the flower dept. of the local grocery store on the way to meet us all for dinner.  They were some sneaky little cusses. 

to be continued … (up next, my fancy wedding dress)!

me.

5 years from going nowhere fast.

5 years of salvation.

5 years of being a great husband.

5 years of being a great dad.

5 years of proving everybody, including me, wrong.

5 years completely sober!  congratulations you, I am so very proud to be your wife.  Looking forward to the next

5 years  forever.

ps: could we please get a haircut to celebrate?

love,

me.

Happy Valentines Day!  I have thought and thought about this post … did I want to write something comical or satirical … something sweet or maybe even mushy … or something deep, real and personal.  I decided on the latter of those options.  If you aren’t up for some real love stuff today, if you are just looking for a surface sweetheart gushy love post … skip on over this one and come back another day, I won’t be offended.

I want to share with you the most special gift my husband has ever given me.  But before I can do that, I have to be honest and tell you that our relationship has been one heck of a roller coaster ride.  If I am being truthful, which would be my ultimate goal here, then I have to tell you that I have more than once loudly proclaimed “stop this hellish ride, I want off”.  In fact, there are still days, that maybe I don’t want off the marriage roller coaster altogether but a nice break in the action would come as a welcome relief.  It’s not always roses and sunshine here at the ole hacienda, sometimes it’s plain ole crappy, sometimes it’s heavenly bliss and the majority of the time it’s sweet contentment and compromise. 

Our story begins in 1998.  My relationship with my ex husband had officially ended almost a year before.  As a side note here, divorce sucks and then it sucks some more before you can ever move forward.  Let’s just say … I’m not a fan.  I should also tell you, that even though I would have probably never said it aloud, I was not a christian at the time and my life was certainly no shining example on a hill for anyone to be admiring.  Richard and I met at a bar, which in hindsight may have been a strong indication of things to come, this isn’t something I am particularly proud of … but again, it’s the truth and a part of our story.  He was (and still is) 8 years younger than I am.  Go ahead, call me a cougar!  I will condense the next part of the story in to a very simple version … I loved him the first minute we met.  I know that is so cliche’, feel free to gag a bit, it’s ok.  I’m not sure what it is, probably his gruffness, his dancing skills and his cute behind … you know, all those things that make your heart skip a beat or twelve and your under arms to suddenly gush.  I’m sure it was a lot more lust than love to begin with but I knew it he was what I wanted.  For some still unknown reason, I must have been what he wanted also.  The next few years were pretty uneventful, we dated, we moved in together (bad bad idea) and eventually got married.  Someday, I will have to write about our wedding day, it was a hoot and I’m not sure if his mother has forgiven me yet. 

Soon after we got married, what had been a tumultious year, went south in a quick hurry.  I don’t feel any great need to bask in the ugly details, most of you know the ugly details all to well anyway, but for those of you who may not … a series of events and bad decisions culminated in to a very bad night.  Long story short, he ended up in jail, I ended up in a DSS office, the girls ended up devastated and each of our parents would most likely have enjoyed giving the two of us a long lecture and a good old fashion beat down, which we both probably deserved.  I do feel obligated to tell you that alcohol was a major factor in the entire disaster.  It’s not an easy thing to say or share, but if I’m not honest with you now, the rest of our story would be a glossed over, untrue depiction of our marriage. 

When all the dust finally settled and the shock of our ignorance began to set in, I began to pray ernestly, seeking God’s wisdom for the direction I needed to go.  Two things are important in that last sentence … #1.  by this time, I had received the gift of salvation and my relationship with Christ had begun to form on a personal level, little bitty baby steps were being taken.  Richard had also started attending church with us and our church family would prove to be a huge part of God’s plan to restore a very broken marriage. #2. please note, I said,  I was seeking God’s plan for my life … not our life.  I was done with the whole marriage thing.  In my not so humble opinion, I already knew what the outcome was going to be.  I sucked at being a wife, was on the verge of sucking at being a good mom and clearly I sucked at forgiveness and communication, both of which are essential in any relationship.

I have told y’all many a time how richly I have been blessed with good family.  Never, at anytime in my life had that been more clear to me.  Not only did God bless me with wonderful parents, He threw in the best in laws a daughter in law could ever ask for.  Richard and I both have very caring, loving and involved parents.  The best part of that is, they are also all very upfront and honest, they love each of us equally and there has never been side taking on either set of parents part.  All parents involved, helped us each to arrive at some very tough decisions.  Our church family prayed a hedge of protection around us, the both of us, the likes of which I had never experienced.  Now, don’t get me wrong here, there was plenty of anger, disappointment and frustration to go around from those who love us, but it wasn’t expressed in a hurtful way … it was expressed in a loving way, which made more difference than I can ever begin to explain. 

Thru another long series of events it became clear to the both of us that some deep soul searching was God’s plan for each of us, our marriage and our family.  Like I said before, my plan was to be done with this marriage.  God’s plan was a bit different.  Continually, God opened doors and hearts, mine and Richard’s included, to be able to make some decisions that would ultimately (a long way down the road) lead to forgiveness and restoration.  To this day, when I think back about the things that transpired, the way things came together and the people that God put directly in our path, I stand amazed.  It is also a confirmation of the fact that God does still perform miracles. 

First and foremost, we both acknowledge that we had some major issues to deal with.  Our marriage was so battered that getting back together was not even an option at that point, but … working toward that goal was becoming an option.  Richard entered a inpatient rehab facility, I began al anon and the girls got some much needed help and guidance.  We were on our way to what would eventually become a healthy, yet not perfect, marriage. 

In the first part of this post, I mentioned my favorite gift ever … it’s more like a stack of favorite gifts ever.  While Richard was away at rehab, we learned to communicate in an entirely new way.  When he first got there, we could have no telephone contact, no email, no visits.  Truly, at that time, I was completely fine with that.  I don’t think I realized it then, but it was an opportunity for God to allow my anger to subside, my heart begin to heal and a time out to really pray and seek God’s will for our lives, whether that would ever mean living together again or not, I wasn’t sure of.  A lot of damage had been done on both or our behalf’s, and of course, the girls were and remain a top priority in any decision that the two of us make. 

While Richard was there, those first few weeks, he could do one thing to communicate with us, if he chose to … we could write letters to each other.  I laughed.  I without a doubt knew, I would not be getting any letters, he isn’t a letter writing kinda guy.  If I recall correctly, I even made a bet with Cathy, although I think we both bet that he wouldn’t write the first letter so it was kind of a win win for both of us.  But to my surprise, he did write … we wrote each other.  I can distinctly remember the first day I opened the mail box and saw a plain white envelope with his handwriting on it.  My heart stopped for just a second, my hands shook while I opened it and I cried thru the entire letter.  It wasn’t any Shakespearean poem or proclamation of love, it was simply an apology.  A deep down, heart felt, hand written, viable, tangible, forever to be in my possession, apology.  It was the one gift from him that I needed the most.  There was no sort of explanation, no excuses, no can I come home, nothing … just an “I’m sorry”.  I realize that the gravity of that may not seem so deep to those of you who have blissful, happy, loving marriages.  But to me, at that time, it was the only thing he had to offer me and the girls that would ever make a difference.  And it did make a difference, it was the beginning of a long healing process.  The letters continued to come and go along with some apologizing on my part too.  We learned to communicate in a very different way, an honest and real way, thru written words.  I will tell you, that to this day, I believe those letters were a fundamental building block used as a basis to rebuild our marriage.  I have kept them all.  They are and probably always will be a reminder that even in the worst of times our marriage was worth saving.  They are without a doubt, my favorite gift ever. 

After a year and a half separation, many hours spent with a good christian marriage counselor, lots and lots of prayer, complete sobriety and the willingness to allow God to grow and slowly nurture us into a healthy marriage …. here we are five years later experiencing daily a healthy relationship.  Not all days are good, not all days are full of wonderment, but all days are healthy, emotionally and spiritually.  Marriage isn’t always an easy thing for us. I hope it is for you, I hope with all of my heart, that you and your spouse or significant other, truly love and respect each other and never ever find yourself on the path we were on.  If relationships seem to not be your forte’ either, I hope that you know God has a plan for your life.  If there is or has been hurt, resentment or conflict, please know that those things can be restored if that is truly God’s plan for your life.  I am not a believer that every marriage can be saved(remember, I was divorced once), it’s extremely hard work, on both parts and sometimes that just doesn’t happen, but it doesn’t mean you are any less valuable as a person, as a spouse, as a parent or most importantly as a child of God.  I just think in our case, we were both willing and thirsty for God to restore our relationship.  I would never encourage you to stay in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, that is not God’s plan for your life.  So please don’t take my words as substance to continue maintaining an abusive pattern, please know that we are most likely the exception, not the rule and that for a very very long time we didn’t live together in the same house.  Know that we were nurtured and loved by many people and that without our relationship with Christ, we would not be together.  We chose to surround ourselves with positive influences, Godly people who emulate what marriage should be, and people who don’t mind being brutally honest in some hard times … I would highly recommend all three of those options.

It  probably wouldn’t hurt any of us or our relationships if we each took time to write our valentine a letter, a note or a card, more than once a year.  I treasure having my letters, I’ve read them more  than once and they are a continuing affirmation of our love.  I don’t care if you write it in red lip stick on your bathroom mirror or draw hearts in the condensed air on your valentines truck window, whatever you do today (and every other day, good or bad) make sure that the special someone in your life knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that your world is better because of them.  A little bit of effort on your part can go a long long way in maintaining a healthy relationship.

me.

I love my husband.  I do not love my husbands new look.  I cannot figure out which he resembles the most:

a) 1970′s adult film star.

b) a caveman

c) a wooly booger

d) a stubborn man who will not listen to reasoning from his nagging loving wife

There is no logic for this look he is proudly sporting.  I wish I could explain to you exactly how far up the wall it is driving me.  I’m thinking if he doesn’t soon shave and get a hair cut I am kicking him out of his cave.  I blame it squarely on Jimmy Brown … he encourages this bad behavior.  Would y’all paahhlleeezzze help a sister out here and explain to him that getting a haircut and shaving are not difficult tasks.  In fact, it’s so easy a caveman could do it!

thats all, thank you.

me

I’ve always known Richard was a handy man.  He can fix or figure out anything, but never in my wildest notions did I imagine he would be an excellent seamstress.  He is learning to embroider on our new sewing/embroidery machine.  I am far more interested in the sewing aspect but not him.  I like watching him sew … it’s kinda hot!

me.

It’s all about the compromise.  That’s what I’ve figured out about this whole marriage thing.  Yes, there are numerous other things that have to be included in the mixture … like:

love

respect

trust

values & morals that mesh

But the one thing that works best for Richard and myself is … compromise.  I must admit, I did not use to be so good at the compromise thing.  It’s the control freak part of my nature that often hinders my ability to realize that compromising makes life much easier for all involved.  For instance, I will share 2 small examples in which compromising this week made my marriage much easier.

#1.  My dad, the girls and I will be traveling to TN for Thanksgiving.   Richard will not be coming along this time.  I could’ve thrown a huge fit (which I might have done a couple years ago) but instead, I decided to listen to his reasoning as to why he would be staying home.  I have to give him credit, he had some valid reasons … thus, I didn’t throw out like a 3 year old and we made the decision, together, that it would actually work better for him to stay home.  I will miss him, I will be sad that we aren’t spending the holiday together, but I won’t be angry or upset and he won’t be grouchy from being drug along on a trip he didn’t want to go on. 

#2. It’s deer hunting season.  My husband likes to pretend like he is hunting deer.  I cannot really imagine Richard shooting a beautiful animal, but he insist on going to sit in the woods in the wee morning hours when it’s freezing cold.  His old routine was … leave Friday, come back Sunday.  I didn’t much care for that for several reasons.  I didn’t see him all weekend and I missed him being here for church on Sunday.  So we … you guessed it … compromised.  Now, he doesn’t leave until late on Friday night, after we’ve spent some time together and he returns sometime on Saturday night.  I appreciate that he is willing to change things to make me happier.  When melinda’s happy we are all happy.  That isn’t really true but I like to make myself seem important around here every now and again. 

I think the point I’m trying to make is this … marriage is hard enough without adding unneccessary arguing about not such important things that could easily be worked out if we are willing to put our stubborness and pettiness to the side for the greater good.  I fully believe there are things that should not be compromised on … like for instance if Richard says “hey melinda, I think we should consider me getting a girlfriend on the side”  or “hey melinda, maybe we should spend this weeks bill money hopping a plane to vegas for the weekend”.   Not compromising there.  I realize there are going to be times of disagreement, hurt feelings and both partners cannot always be happy with every decision that is made.  I still pout every now and again, but I truly hope that I am maturing past that in my marriage.  It’s not all roses and sunshine, but it sure beats how we use to handle disagreements. 

Now if we could just compromise and Richard get his hair cut like it was in the picture I’d be good to go!

me.

I haven’t posted in this category in a while so I thought I would catch us up to speed in the marriage department here at the nut Null house.   As most of you probably know, Richard has returned home from his extended vacation duty of helping out at Thad & Brad’s house.   He had a great time in TN and I hope he actually did do some things that helped them out. 

Since his return he has still been unable to find a full time job.  Before you jet down to comment about your sympathy for us, as much as I appreciate your concern and covet your prayers in this area of our lives, I just want to let you know we are doing ok.  It’s really not that bad eating beannie weinnies, pot pies, fish sticks and vienna sausages on a regular basis.  I’m kidding.  For now, we really are ok.  But … if at this point you are feeling an overwhelming need to help someone, I would very much encourage you to do just that!  If you don’t have a clue what to do, I have a few suggestions … donate to a food pantry (we have one at our church if you don’t know of one), volunteer somewhere or simply be in prayer for everyone who is struggling in this tough economic time. 

I thought I would take a minute and share with you all the ways I have found to take advantage of my husband while he is not employeed full time.   Here are my top 10 reasons in believing behind every cloud there is a silver lining.

#10. I have a beautiful new light fixture in my bathroom.  I am pretty sure Richard stole it from Thad & Brad’s garage.

#9.  Our yard looks really nice and I haven’t had to mow or weed eat once in the last several weeks.

#8.  I don’t have to share the computer when I get home, he’s had all day to use it if he wants to.

#7.  Our house is clean when I get home.  Who knew a man could clean house?

#6.  He is doing a lot of the laundry, although he does still get a bit confused about the seperating the colored clothes from the white clothes process.  However, I really don’t mind pink tie dyed underwear if it means I didn’t have to wash it.

#5.  The junk cars in my backyard are now all nicely organized in a neat row.  Help me Lord to remember that I do love this man.

#4.  Hauling the trash off every other day has  become one of Richard’s new favorite things to do.

#3.  Our house, camper, car trailer and anything with in reaching distance of the water hose is now sparkly clean from being pressure washed.  I think he even pressure washed Dozer.

#2.  I do not have to endure hours of DVR’d tv shows that I hate because he can watch them while I am at work.  This reason alone is enough for me to consider getting a part time job so he can remain jobless.  Do you realize how elated not having to watch one episode of Repo man in over 6 weeks makes a girl?

#1.  He has no one to talk to all day so he is really happy to see me when I get home.

Now if I can just teach him to cook … I will be good to go! 

me.